The Power in Pausing Part I : My Story

Soundtrack: Fort Romeau - Secrets & Lies

Pausing changed my life over the last year and a half. 

For as long as I can remember, a low-level depression lingered in my life.  As a result, I became addicted to smoking weed, tobacco, endless coffees, masturbation, youtube, instagram, Beatport charts, food and self improvement.

With the escape menu listed above, I rarely spent time just sitting with myself. I was always feeding my system new stimuli—avoiding that inner void with distractions.

With an interest in ‘spirituality’ and an unhealthy obsession with self improvement—I had a strong pull towards meditation.

Intuitively, I felt meditation was the ultimate path to truly meeting myself. Unknowingly, I was putting pressure on it to bring me to peace. I had expectations. 

Nearly every day it crossed my mind... I should meditate for 10 minutes today. 

The times I tried, I felt extremely tense and bailed out within minutes. 

My field of awareness was so full of noise, sugar, and repressed energy that sitting in stillness felt damn near impossible. I traded the uncomfortable silence for spliffs and visits to pornhub—bringing myself to orgasms only to wake up in a lake of shame.

Time and time again… a perfectionist-like pressure to meditate, followed by another perceived failure. Leading me down the spliff - porn - youtube - uber eats shame cycle.

I spent years in this vortex.

I came to realize I was biting off more than I could chew with my meditation ambitions.

At some point, I hit rock bottom. I was sick of my choices and took ownership of my behavior.

I was exhausted of having levels of awareness, but no change. I vowed to take baby steps towards healthier coping mechanisms. 

This is where pausing came in. 

Rather than trying to be Ram Dass and meditate for hours, I simply laid on the couch in my dad’s living room. No phone, no expectations—just laying there. 

I knew that the stories of my mind weren’t to be trusted, so I put my attention on bringing calmness into my body. 

Deep breaths. 

No special breathing technique—just exhaling longer than I inhaled.

After my first 17-minute pause, I felt lighter.

It’s not that the inner turmoil disappeared, but that I created more space to hold it. With that space came a wave of grace.

Space & Grace baby.

Not long after, the urge to roll a spliff hit me. Guess what? I rolled the spliff and smoked it.

But this time, there was a pause in the loop. The addiction still had its grip, but I was naturally starting to delay the loop.

After smoking, my autopilot kicked in and I started sleep-walking to the laptop to numb out.

But this time, I witnessed it!

The space and grace from the pause allowed me to see what was going on with a new clarity. 

There’s usually tons of repressed energy inside of me running the show. That restless energy was still there, but now I could consciously navigate it—instead of being unconsciously run by it.

I stopped and asked myself: “Do you want to continue this loop that’s keeping you miserable? You are making this choice Lee. If you go to Pornhub and YouTube, I don’t want to hear you complain about it later. It’s a choice, take ownership.”

With that blunt reality in my awareness, I chose to return to the couch.

This time, I put on light ambient music and let my gaze drift outside—unfocused, taking in the movement of birds, squirrels, and deer as they munched on the food my dad left for them.

I felt the depths of my inner sadness in this moment. It wasn’t pleasant, but afterward, I felt good about how I showed up. I recognized this would be a long journey, to become the man I wanted to be. In chasing that future, improved version of myself, I abandoned who I was in the present.

I wouldn’t have made these realizations had I not taken some time to simply lay down and be with myself. 

I’m sharing my story because I feel so many of us are caught in our own loops of avoidance. Maybe it’s an addiction to work or sex or exercise. Most of us stay busy in ways that seem productive but keep us avoiding ourselves.

What good is a yacht if you can’t enjoy your own company? 

Don’t put so much pressure on being a perfect spiritual being. Don’t worry about meditating yourself into enlightenment. If it’s working for you - cool, keep it up. 

For those who resonate with my words, I invite you to start pausing throughout your day. You can’t do it wrong and any judgment of your performance defeats the purpose. The key is to limit the amount of stimulation coming into your mind and create space to be with yourself. 

Think of it like cuddling with a loving partner. If I was in a cuddle session and my girlfriend was on her phone, I wouldn’t feel that merge of energy. That oneness connection that is so deeply healing. 

I find ambient music as the perfect buffer to give the mind just enough to relax, but still allow your awareness to feel what’s going on inside. 

Don’t worry about fixing the feeling, or figuring it out. Just simply be with it. Cuddle your inner vibes. 

Discomfort is a part of life—let’s learn to be with it.

With love,
Lee