Phone as a Pacifier: An exploration of avoidance

This article applies to all forms of escape, not just the phone. I chose to focus on the phone because it’s something I personally struggle with and see reflected even in my most mindful, self-aware friends.

Our phones have become a modern-day pacifier. Soothing discomfort in the moment but never addressing the underlying need.

In moments of overwhelm, I reach for my phone without consciously choosing to do so. It serves as a distraction, pulling my awareness away from my discomfort and into the endless vortex of the internet and social media.

While this may work as a temporary bandaid for anxiety, the long-term implications are concerning.
Leaning on the phone to escape weakens the ability to be fully present with reality.

Moreover, the last thing I need when I’m anxious is to take in more information - especially social media.

Viewing social media when feeling down crushes my self-esteem and self-worth. Most of what you see online is an image people project to the outside world. A selective presentation, rather than an authentic representation of human experience.

Scrolling in a state of overwhelm fuels judgment, shame, and anxiety.
Scrolling from a place of centeredness allows me to celebrate others’ perceived success and happiness.
  
The temporary numbing of the phone is tempting, but in the long run, it deepens feelings of emptiness and ‘not good enough.’

I’ve been aware of this for over 5 years, and it still takes conscious effort to resist the pull.

After all this time, I’ve come to accept that I cannot run away from what’s true inside.

It must be met.  

If we can’t be with discomfort, we’ll always be running from it.

Meeting our inner discomfort

While the anxiety isn’t pleasurable, it’s a well intended signal of misalignment from within.  

Think of this discomfort as a cry from your inner child—begging to be seen and embraced.

That sensitive child doesn’t want to be fixed; it simply wants to be heard, held, and loved.

In my experience, the natural response is to either push the pain away or analyze it, searching for its root cause.

But if you pay close attention, searching for the root cause is often just another way of resisting—an attempt to solve or escape discomfort rather than fully allowing it to be. True acceptance isn’t about dissecting the pain; it’s about holding it close, the way we would a hurting child, offering presence rather than solutions.

I invite you to shift your approach from pushing it away or trying to figure it out, to bringing it closer.

The less time I spend escaping and the more I try to meet myself with love and acceptance, the root causes begin to reveal themselves.

The key word here is ‘try’ - because, honestly, that shit has been a challenge.

It’s much easier to slip back into the loop of avoidance.

How do we break the loop of avoidance?

In one word - awareness. 

One way to dissolve a loop is to introduce a delay in the process—creating small pauses that interrupt mindless behavior and invite awareness into the moment. If you still reach for your phone after pausing, that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself.

If you’re like me, you’ve spent years—maybe even decades—building coping mechanisms to escape discomfort. Breaking these patterns takes time.

If we chase perfection, we set ourselves up for failure, fueling shame and reinforcing the cycle. Instead, let’s embrace our humanity and strive for progress, one step at a time.

Here are three steps to start building the capacity to be with discomfort:

The Mindful Escape: Lessen the potency of your avoidance

Mindless scrolling is like consuming empty calories. A mindful escape offers nourishment.

You may not be fully sitting with your discomfort, but you’re choosing something that feeds you rather than drains you.

In today’s world, engaging in singular focus rather than scrambled scrolling is a step in the right direction. Here are three examples of a mindful escape:

• Spend 12 minutes reading a book

• Take 6 minutes to listen to John Hopkin’s song “Welcome” (link)

• Listen to this insightful lecture about embracing discomfort by Michael Singer (link)

Focusing on just one thing at a time is a step toward stillness. As you engage in these mindful escapes, notice if you feel the urge to reach for your phone or multitask.

Can you stay fully present with the mindful escape you’ve consciously chosen?

Choose presence over numbing

Next time you’re waiting in line and reach for your phone, become aware of what’s happening.

Leave your phone in your pocket and take a deep breath. Pay attention to your surroundings. Tune into your senses and bring awareness to the various sights, smells, and sounds of your environment.

You may still be avoiding discomfort, but instead of numbing, you’re choosing presence.

The more you engage with your surroundings rather than your screen, you build the capacity to be with your inner experience.

The more you rely on your phone to escape, the stronger the habit becomes. Just like building a tolerance to a drug, over time, you’ll crave even more intense stimulation to achieve the same numbing effect.

Pause and tune into your body

When you’re at home and feel overwhelmed, take a moment to pause, lay down, and reconnect with your body.

You don’t have to sit in perfect form and meditate for an hour, simply pause. I like to lie down with ambient music and take deep breaths.  

The mind will naturally attempt to ‘fix the problem’ and search for the cause of discomfort. Trying to calm the mind with the mind is an endless pursuit.  

A more effective approach is to bring calmness to your body, and the mind will follow.

Every time you pause, you are expanding your capacity to hold space for the discomfort.

Conclusion: Bringing it all together

There’s a chance that much of your life is collection of escapes. That’s how mine felt when I took a closer look.

Reading, working out, working hard, pursuing a relationship—are these choices coming from a centered place, or are they ways to avoid inner discomfort?

I write this with immense compassion for my fellow humans. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding the crying screams of my inner child—unknowingly keeping myself busy to distract from what was inside. But avoidance only takes us so far.

Accepting your reality isn’t about making discomfort disappear. It’s about learning to hold it with love—the way my brother embraces his one-year-old son: fully present, patient, warm, and unconditionally caring. That’s my reference point for love.

The more we recognize our patterns, the more power we have to shift them. We can choose mindful escapes that nourish us instead of drain us. We can choose presence over numbing. We can choose to pause, breathe, and meet ourselves where we are.

With time, presence becomes less of a practice and more of a way of being.

Don’t wait until you’re perfectly present to allow yourself happiness and openness. That’s the trap. The true game is loving yourself and all your imperfections now.

Sending love from Mexico,
Lee (aka Limon)